悲伤是普遍存在的，但也是独一无二的. 一个人的悲伤是由一百万个不同的因素决定的 没有两个人会以同样的方式悲伤. 因为这是一种个人的体验, there’s no one-size fits all approach to supporting someone who’s grieving. How can we become more comfortable holding space for grief without being able to know exactly what to do when we encounter it?

这里没有备忘单, there are some fairly universal practices that can help us do grief better.

出现.

如果我们不出席，就无法提供支持. 听起来很简单,对吧? Too many grieving people have stories of friends and family members vanishing—to the point of literally 在杂货店里逃离他们. We can’t let our fear of making a mistake stop us from showing up.

用好奇心而不是判断力来接近对方.

没有两个人的悲伤会完全一样, 所以不管我们有多了解一个人, we can’t fully understand what it’s like to be them in their grief experience. 这意味着我们需要 避免做出假设 关于他们的感受. 即使我们经历过类似的损失, resist the urge to say things like “I understand” or “I know how you feel.“相反, 试着像“你觉得这次经历怎么样??”

把注意力集中在悲伤的人身上.

在谈论悲伤时，我们经常 通过分享自己的丧亲经历来试图感同身受. 我们这样做是为了和悲伤的人建立联系, but what it actually does is shift the focus away from them and on to us. Instead of sharing right away, offer it as an option for when they're ready. 它可以很简单，比如, “我也经历过失去, 如果你想听的话, 我很乐意和你分享."

“Your job as a support person isn’t to make somebody feel happy; it’s to make somebody feel heard.”

——梅根·迪瓦恩

是真实的.

悲伤对每个人来说都是艰难、怪异和尴尬的. Take comfort in the fact that no one expects us to have all the answers. In fact, the best thing we can do when trying to offer grief support is to 承认现实 通过说一些像, “我不知道该说什么或做什么, 但我关心你，我在你身边.” That simple statement will go over far better than offering unsolicited advice or trying to cheer the person up. 和, this leads us to one of the most important grief support tips...

谨防陈词滥调.

我们都说 的事情. 凡事皆有因. 上帝只给你你能应付的. 至少你和他们相处的时间一样长. 我们说这些话的时候都是出于好意. 但我们可能没有意识到这一点, 而不是提供安慰, 这些短语实际上都是表达的方式, “你不应该有这种感觉.”

这是困难的, but important truth when it comes to watching someone we love in pain: we can’t fix it. 当我们试图修复它的时候，我们就会遇到麻烦. This may seem counterintuitive, but please: let your person have their pain. 不要试图把它拿走. 别再往好处想了. All that will do is make them feel dismissed and you feel frustrated.

我们需要重新调整我们对悲伤支持的看法. Our goal is not to fix things for our person or to cheer them up. Our goal is to hold space for them by acknowledging their pain, 验证他们的经验, 并向他们保证，他们并不孤单.

说出那个人的名字.

Here’s another biggie: when we’re talking about death-related grief: 说出死者的名字. 我们倾向于认为，如果我们把这个人, we’re going to remind our grieving person that their loved one is gone. But we aren’t reminding them of anything; they know their person is gone. When we say their name, we remind our grieving friend that their person is not forgotten.