There’s no one-size fits all approach to supporting someone who’s grieving.
Senior Producer at WPSU Penn State, Partner of the 合乐888登录注册基金
悲伤是普遍存在的，但也是独一无二的. 一个人的悲伤是由一百万个不同的因素决定的 没有两个人会以同样的方式悲伤. 因为这是一种个人的体验, there’s no one-size fits all approach to supporting someone who’s grieving. How can we become more comfortable holding space for grief without being able to know exactly what to do when we encounter it?
这里没有备忘单, there are some fairly universal practices that can help us do grief better.
如果我们不出席，就无法提供支持. 听起来很简单,对吧? Too many grieving people have stories of friends and family members vanishing—to the point of literally 在杂货店里逃离他们. We can’t let our fear of making a mistake stop us from showing up.
没有两个人的悲伤会完全一样, 所以不管我们有多了解一个人, we can’t fully understand what it’s like to be them in their grief experience. 这意味着我们需要 避免做出假设 关于他们的感受. 即使我们经历过类似的损失, resist the urge to say things like “I understand” or “I know how you feel.“相反, 试着像“你觉得这次经历怎么样??”
在谈论悲伤时，我们经常 通过分享自己的丧亲经历来试图感同身受. 我们这样做是为了和悲伤的人建立联系, but what it actually does is shift the focus away from them and on to us. Instead of sharing right away, offer it as an option for when they're ready. 它可以很简单，比如, “我也经历过失去, 如果你想听的话, 我很乐意和你分享."
“Your job as a support person isn’t to make somebody feel happy; it’s to make somebody feel heard.”
悲伤对每个人来说都是艰难、怪异和尴尬的. Take comfort in the fact that no one expects us to have all the answers. In fact, the best thing we can do when trying to offer grief support is to 承认现实 通过说一些像, “我不知道该说什么或做什么, 但我关心你，我在你身边.” That simple statement will go over far better than offering unsolicited advice or trying to cheer the person up. 和, this leads us to one of the most important grief support tips...
我们都说 的事情. 凡事皆有因. 上帝只给你你能应付的. 至少你和他们相处的时间一样长. 我们说这些话的时候都是出于好意. 但我们可能没有意识到这一点, 而不是提供安慰, 这些短语实际上都是表达的方式, “你不应该有这种感觉.”
这是困难的, but important truth when it comes to watching someone we love in pain: we can’t fix it. 当我们试图修复它的时候，我们就会遇到麻烦. This may seem counterintuitive, but please: let your person have their pain. 不要试图把它拿走. 别再往好处想了. All that will do is make them feel dismissed and you feel frustrated.
我们需要重新调整我们对悲伤支持的看法. Our goal is not to fix things for our person or to cheer them up. Our goal is to hold space for them by acknowledging their pain, 验证他们的经验, 并向他们保证，他们并不孤单.
Here’s another biggie: when we’re talking about death-related grief: 说出死者的名字. 我们倾向于认为，如果我们把这个人, we’re going to remind our grieving person that their loved one is gone. But we aren’t reminding them of anything; they know their person is gone. When we say their name, we remind our grieving friend that their person is not forgotten.
Grief can be disorienting and using the standard "Let me know if you need anything" is an impossible request to a grieving person.
从…借用短语 克里斯蒂娜•Chipriano LCSW-S, 他是博斯广场西班牙拓展和项目的主管, “Expecting the person who's bereaved to be able to identify what they need from you is like giving a non-mathematician a very complex math problem and telling them, “找出答案，然后告诉我是什么.’”
悲伤会对我们的大脑产生各种影响. Our grieving person likely doesn’t have the mental capacity to discern what they need. 和, 如果他们能够完成这项艰巨的任务, they then have to put themselves in the vulnerable position of asking for help.
"如果有什么需要就告诉我" we can offer concrete ways we are willing and able to help our person. 用疑问句来表达, so we’re still getting consent: “I would like to clean your apartment for you, 可以吗??” Or, “I’d love to come by Saturday and take the kids for the day so you can have some time to yourself, 听起来好吗??”
悲伤每时每刻都在变化，有时一分一秒都在变化. What felt good to our grieving person last week might not work for them this week. So, 当我们试图表示支持的时候, we need to be aware that our person may not know exactly what they need. 他们可能会改变主意. 他们可能会取消计划. Remember that this is their first time going through this particular loss, 所以他们正在努力解决问题, 太. 让我们试着耐心和理解.
悲伤的持续时间比我们所知道的要长得多. 我们需要 继续在那里 for our person in the weeks, months, and years after the loss. We may not need to show up as frequently, but we do still need to show up.
也许他们不再需要有人为他们修剪草坪了, but they likely still need someone they can count on to hold space when the need arises—someone who recognizes that grief ebbs and flows. Someone who won’t make comments like “You’re still upset about this?或者，“是时候向前看了。.”
Even if we need to set reminders for ourselves to check in with them, that’s OK. It doesn't make our support any less genuine if we rely on prompts to reach out. A simple, "Hey, I'm thinking of you" text message can be a powerful thing.
The hardships of 2020 have started to bring grief out of the shadows. We’re beginning to recognize how often we grieve and how much pain everyone around us is carrying. There is a growing awareness that being human can be really hard and an appreciation for kindness, 同情, 和社区. This is the perfect time to reexamine our societal norms; to take stock of where we are so we can learn to love better. 而且，让悲伤变得更好.
欲了解更多，请查看 说悲伤, 一个多平台, public initiative aimed at creating a more grief-aware society that was produced by WPSU and philanthropically supported by the 合乐888登录注册基金.
Elevating the support and resources for bereaved children and families.
11月是儿童悲伤意识月, an annual campaign to raise awareness that children and teens grieve 太.